Dear Uncle Carl, I feel that the design agency that I work at lacks a real sense of creativity. From the tartan carpets and brass chandeliers in the office to the hold music and even the old work on the wall, it just seems to be harking back to a different age (namely the early 80s). How can we create a more, well, creative atmosphere?

Doesn’t the creativity come from the you, the people in the building, and not from the building itself? I know some great creatives and creative solutions that came from real shit-hole looking agencies – does it really matter?

Are you using your ‘creative’ argument to justify the fact you don’t like the décor to hide the fact that perhaps you are not that creative but it can’t be your fault so it must be the fault of the fucking carpet?

But let’s pretend that’s not the case and you are a frustrated creative genius who can only truly produce ideas of unimaginable creativity when cocooned in an agency borne of Foster/Wright/Macintosh.

I personally was always open to re-painting the building, hanging new work etc, I just wasn’t going to do it myself or spend loads of money hiring interior designers and decorators to pander to some junior creative oik who probably still lived at home with his/her mum and dad or rented some shitty dive bedsit with crap furniture, posters on the wall and the belief that Changing Rooms was the height of interior design.

If, however, they came up with the scheme, the ideas, and did the work themselves then I let them do it. So why don’t you stop moaning and criticising and offer to make the changes yourself – and then you can look forward to the arguments that will follow over what shade of yellow the reception should be and then you will realise why no one has dared try to redecorate for over 20 years!

Dear Uncle Carl, my wife is expecting our first child in the spring. I am, of course, hugely excited about this new addition, but I’m worried that the hours I keep at work will impact on my home-life. I am used to working late into the evenings, but I don’t want to keep on doing this... But how do I let my boss know I can no longer work the long hours he is used to me working. I’m worried - especially since we have cut right down to just the “essential” staff following a difficult year.

Congratulations first of all on your impending Bambino. As you have said, your agency has already cut down to the essential staff and you are still there so that’s not a bad place to be. As for seeking permission from your boss to go home, he is your employer not your owner.

The advent of your child shows you have a pair of balls so what do you do, leave them at home in a drawer? Take them to work with you. The truth is, my little dad-to-be, that nothing is more important than your family – you just don’t know it yet, but your world will change.

Between you and me, I got it wrong first time around and worked too hard and my marriage didn’t work out and I didn’t see my baby grow up; no job is that important.
Happily my ex-wife, unlike a lot of my ex-business partners, is a great friend and we have a fabulous son.

As a parent you will be ‘working’ the longest hours possible. I guarantee your priorities will shift; you can be a good dad and a good employee.

Can I also take this opportunity to really empathise as I too will become a dad again in the Spring and trust me from my past experience you will probably want to spend more time at work once junior gets home.

Dear Uncle Carl, I was recently forwarded a rude email that wasn’t intended for me from one of my staff members. I was actually quite taken aback by the content of this “joke” email. I immediately pulled up the member of staff in question and warned him. But should I be setting in place guidelines that disallow staff to share “jokes” on the email – or even go as far as banning the use of Facebook and Bebo sites at work too? Or should I turn the other way and stop “stifling their creativity”?

First thing, as I have said before, the creative output of an agency has fuck all to do with the amount of hours your badly dressed creative teams spend on social not-working sites, so stopping them playing about on MyFace or whatever will not ‘stifle their creativity’ it will simply make them sulk like the spoilt brats they are. Perhaps if there was a Facebook Group called I Pissed About On Social Sites When I Was At My Agency Which Was Struggling At The Time And Had To Downsize And They Picked On Me And Now I Am Redundant, people could see that group grow by the day and think “perhaps I should get some sodding work done!”

As for the rude email, it also happened to me. Some dickless no-name in my creative department sent a ‘joke’ and I was copied in and although it didn’t upset my legendary sensitive nature, I could see it might upset others. The chap was told this, and that if those ‘others’ complained, then the company, who has a duty to protect its employees, would have to take action and his not-so-funny-ass would be toast.

You should send company emails to all staff members, updating them on acceptable uses of internal email systems and also guidelines from legislative organisations on issues such as appropriate behaviour, sexual harassment, discrimination etc. And if they then break those guidelines they would be subject to the company’s disciplinary process. Rude emails can be interpreted as offensive or discriminatory and you as a business may be liable. So, enforce the rules before you get in trouble!

Dear Uncle Carl,as all media, business analysts and general punters are predicting a scary 2009 for most businesses, how should I incentivise my staff to make sure the agency is getting their full efforts. Or should the fear of redundancy be a motivating factor in itself?

Have you not had the ‘full efforts’ of your staff up to this point? This really hacks me off and shows why so many two bit ‘agencies’ fail – which you obviously aren’t, are you? Why the do you wait until things get a bit shitty to start thinking about how you should manage your business and your staff? You should be thinking how to recruit the best talent, how to train them and incentivise them every single fucking day, that’s your job numb-nuts.

But no, you obviously don’t put your people at the top of your list of priorities until you realise that things are not as easy as they have been in previous years and that your only real assets, your people, may get nervous about your business and jump ship to somewhere or someone who actually doesn’t take them for granted. If you think your people will work harder for fear of redundancy then you’re even more stupid than I thought. The good ones may already be looking to dump you and run.

Forget for a moment there is a ‘recession’ and run your business ‘properly’ and profitably – focus on your clients needs, your staff needs and your business goals.

And good luck.